Friday, March 18, 2005

Love thyself...with caution

I'm all about the self-love and self-respect and self-confidence. I learned it all the hard way, but I realize how important it is to remember what it is that makes you good.

Now that I'm in a new job and working in a new environment with totally new people, I find I'm evaluating myself again. This is not new to me. I'm very introspective and I'm always conscious of how others see me.

I think the more familiar you become with people, the more you kind of let yourself go.

Being around new people kind of wakes you up to the bad things about you. I think we all need that. I've realized the past couple of weeks that I'm impatient with people who are slower than me, and I can be a little arrogant at times with my ideas.

I guess I've always assumed that the people who have always known me know that deep down I'm a good person but I have these quirks. I never really thought about how these negative things impact other people until I started spending my days with strangers and worrying about whether or not they'll like me.

I listen to myself more when I talk. Sometimes, I don't like the things I say. Sometimes I find myself interrupting someone and I feel bad, and I think -- do I do that a lot?

Oh, I overanalyze, I know that. But can't we get so caught up in the new Oprah age of self-love that we get to a point where we are beyond reproach in our own eyes? When you get to that point, how can you possibly grow as a person? If you think you've reached perfection, where else is there to go?

So, yes, I admit it. I am impatient, I am sometimes arrogant and too damn smart for my own good. I'm not the best listener. Today I had a big zit on my chin and a run in my pantyhose. On the other hand, I am a good teacher, so if I take a deep breath and just relax I could help those people who are slower to learn. I am a good speaker, so I can communicate my ideas rationally if I really concentrate on what people want/need to hear. I have good teeth. :D

Have I mentioned lately how wonderful it is to be back on the learning curve?

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Snug as a Bug in a Rug?

It scares me that I'm so content.

I know I've said it before, but I'm going to say it again. Every time I consciously acknowledge that I am happy and things are going great, everything sort of falls apart. My car breaks or a kitten gets sick or I find out there's another litter on the way or something.

So now I've reached one of those points where I'm pleased! My new job is going so well and I'm learning so much and the people are just unbelievably nice. To top it all off, the old crappy place where I used to work continues to fall apart. That is the justice I was looking for.
So now I have this wonderfully fulfilling job. The money is a little better but it will improve greatly once the raises come through in July. I have to pay income tax, but DH's refund and my childcare reimbursement from work cancel me back down to zero. :)

Kittens are healthy, although baby kitten has started to relapse into the coughing, probably due to the onset of spring, but he has an appointment coming up to check it out.

My bank lady is offering to once again consolidate all my credit cards so that I can rack up the charges again. :D

TAR is on and Survivor is on.

It's like, Christmas every day at the Frisky house!

So, how do I enjoy this when I have become so cynical that I insist that something bad is just around the corner? Has life been so nasty to me that I have to have this expectation? Yeah, I suppose it has, but I don't have to LET myself be affected by the nastiness, do I? I'm only cynical if I want to be, right?

So, let's see. It's taken me 39 years to get this way. How long does it take you to become un-cynicalized?