Loneliness

I am the worst person for feeling lonely in a room full of people.

I've been feeling very Charlie Brownish these days. I'm the funny-looking kid that nobody understands. I wonder what people see when they look at me. What they hear when I speak. Do they hear me? Are they even listening?

I wish I were a movie director sometimes, because I could SO illustrate this feeling visually. An opulent room, full of opulent stuff, like a big crystal chandelier and fancy wall sconces and plushy curtains and fabrics, and people milling about, and there's me in the middle. The people are all talking, some are dancing, they're having a great time. But there's not a sound.

There's me in the middle of the room. Silent, and all these people around me with their mouths moving without making a sound and their glasses clinking together without really clinking. Just me. Can they see me?

What if, in my movie, I start to scream? Will they hear me? Will it ruin this whole demonstration of loneliness?

Yeah, I think it will. So, there won't be a scream. Just silence.

That's much better. THAT is how I feel sometimes, just like that. No scream, but I feel like I want to scream. Just to break the silence, and to make myself heard. To make myself known. To make people notice me, or to make them understand me better.

"I'm not a blockhead, dammit!"

That's better. I don't know if they heard me, but I do feel better.